Unravelling the mystery behind the question, “Why can’t I find a gay boyfriend?”
We’ve all been there – frustrated, lonely, and wondering if we’re destined to be the only single person in a world of happy couples.
Maybe you’ve gone on countless dates, tried all the dating apps, or even dabbled in some questionable matchmaking services, but nothing seems to pan out. You may find yourself asking, “Why can’t I find a boyfriend?” and feeling a bit stuck. Fear not, because I’m here to help you navigate the rocky terrain of dating (or at least understand what is going wrong and where), so you can find the love you deserve.
It can be incredibly disheartening when your attempts at finding a boyfriend continually fall flat. You might feel trapped in a pattern of bad dates and missed connections or be craving the companionship that seems to elude you. Rest assured, you’re not alone in feeling this way. We all need a bit of support and understanding as we navigate the unpredictable world of gay dating.
Now, let’s address the burning question: Why can’t I find a gay boyfriend? The truth is, finding a partner is a process that requires time, effort, and a bit of trial and error. But don’t worry, after years of experience at failing to get a boyfriend I have got a roadmap to help you figure out where things might be going awry.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you find your perfect match:
- Know who you are and what you want
- Put yourself out there
- Enjoy the process
- Evaluate and repeat
In the rest of this article I will go in detail on each of the steps above. The answer to the “why can’t I find a boyfriend” is rarely just a dry “because there is something wrong with me” or “because I am ugly”. Normally you need to get deeper to get a meaningful answer. So let’s dive in.
Follow this plan if you are asking yourself “Why can’t I find a boyfriend, gay edition”
1. Know who you are and what you want
This first point is crucial and I cannot stress enough how VITAL this is: if you don’t know or value who you are, nobody else will. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell can you love somebody else?” and it also applies to “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell can you recognize when somebody else loves you?” (answer: you can’t – and you will be oblivious to all the love that is actually around you. Yes, I speak from experience).
Equally, it’s essential to know what you want in a partner, as well as what your deal breakers are. While there are common red flags in a gay relationship, you need to find out what your own red flags are. Each of us has a different story, carries a different baggage, and we all have different triggers. It’s important to know what yours are, so you can deal with them and/or avoid them.
Here are some examples, anecdotes, tips, ideas, and practical things you can do to better understand yourself and your desires:
- Journaling: Regularly writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you better understand your emotions, desires, and patterns in relationships. Reflect on your past experiences and how they have shaped your preferences and deal breakers.
- Meditation and mindfulness: Practicing meditation and mindfulness can help you cultivate self-awareness and self-love. By being present and non-judgmental, you can learn to accept and appreciate yourself for who you are.
- Therapy or coaching: Seeking professional help from a therapist or a dating coach can provide you with valuable insights into your patterns and behaviours in relationships. They can also help you identify and work through any personal issues that may be hindering your dating success.
It’s also important to make space for a boyfriend in your life. I remember one day in my late 20s coming home at 11pm after a full day at work and tennis practice and thinking “I do say a boyfriend is what I want the most, but where would I find the time to welcome him into my life?” (nowhere – I was actually self sabotaging my attempts at having a relationship, as it turns out).
To avoid this pitfall, consider the following tips:
- Re-evaluate your priorities: Take a step back and look at how you’re spending your time. Are you filling your schedule with activities that leave no room for a relationship? If so, it’s time to reassess your priorities and make the necessary adjustments.
- Create a welcoming environment: Make your home a space where you would be happy to invite a partner into your life. This might mean decluttering, adding personal touches, or simply creating a comfortable and inviting atmosphere. This does also extend to your life in general: make your life a welcoming environment where you are happy with or without a partner. As humans we are drawn to people that we feel are leading a happy and thriving life.
- Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries in your personal and professional life to ensure you have the time and energy to devote to a romantic relationship. This might mean saying no to certain obligations or learning to delegate tasks.
Knowing who you are and what you want is the foundation of a successful dating journey. By cultivating self-awareness, self-love, and a clear understanding of your desires, you will be better equipped to recognise and attract the right partner. Remember the wise words of mama RuPaul, and prioritize self-love as you embark on your quest for a loving, fulfilling relationship.
2. Put yourself out there
Putting yourself out there is the second crucial step to finding a gay boyfriend. By seeking opportunities to meet new people and establish connections, you increase your chances of finding someone special. As the saying goes, you need to be around people as people kind of are the raw material for a gay boyfriend.
(I mean, now with AI it’s possible to see that we’ll all be able to create an artificial boyfriend, but for now people are what we need to go for)
It’s hard to find yourself a boyfriend if you stay at home alone or only hang out (at home) with your girl friends.
Here are some tips and ideas for putting yourself out there:
- Attend LGBTQ+ events: Be it a pride parade, a film festival, or a community gathering, attending these events can help you meet like-minded individuals and expand your social circle.
- Join clubs or social groups: Find groups or clubs that cater to your interests, be it sports, art, or volunteer work. These groups offer a great opportunity to connect with people who share your passions and values.
- Network through friends and family: Let your friends and family know that you’re interested in meeting new people. They might be able to introduce you to potential partners or invite you to events where you could meet someone special.
Dating apps can be a double-edged sword, so make sure you use them to actually meet people in real life. It’s hard to see a future with a handsome guy in Sydney if you live in London and hate to travel. (If you do this or something similar like always falling for straight guys, you might actually be doing it on purpose to avoid putting yourself out there. If this sounds like you, this is worth a read)
Everyone has their own strategy when it comes to dating apps: some like to limit the time they spend talking to people in the app and aim to meet them in real life as soon as possible, while others like to vet people on the dating app as much as possible and only meet them in real life when they are 100% sure it will be a match. Both strategies are legitimate, so find out what works for you. But remember one thing: talking to people on an app is not the same as establishing a real connection. That only happens when you meet people (and they meet you) in real life.
The more you expose yourself to different people and situations, the higher the likelihood of meeting someone who’s a good fit. Consider these tips and ideas as you venture into the world of dating:
- Be open-minded: Keep an open mind and be willing to step out of your comfort zone. This might mean attending events or trying activities that you’ve never considered before.
- Be approachable: When you’re out and about, make an effort to be friendly and approachable. Smile, maintain eye contact, and engage in conversations with people around you.
- Practice self-care: While putting yourself out there is important, it’s also crucial to maintain a healthy balance in your life. Make sure to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally to ensure you’re at your best when you do meet someone special.
Putting yourself out there is a vital part of the dating process. By being proactive, open-minded, and approachable, you increase your chances of finding a compatible partner. Remember that real connections are formed in person, so focus on meeting people in real life and enjoy the journey towards finding your perfect match.
3. Enjoy the process
The third step in finding a boyfriend (especially when you are thinking “Why can’t I find a gay boyfriend”) is to enjoy the process, which means going on dates and living your life with an attitude of gratitude, regardless of what comes your way.
It’s important to strike a balance: if you spend every minute of your day obsessing over finding “the one,” you’re setting up unrealistic expectations for yourself, your dates, and your life. The pressure can be overwhelming!
Dating works best when you’re content with your everyday life, and each date is seen as an opportunity to add a cherry on top. While you might meet someone you hit it off with, it’s more likely that you’ll have dates that don’t lead to anything more. Does that mean we need to give up on dating? Fortunately not. Instead of becoming discouraged, focus on enjoying the here and now. Savour each date as it happens, without expecting anything. Be present and appreciate every moment without worrying about the future.
Consider the possibility that “the one” might not exist. Being “the one” and dealing with all the expectations that come with it is a lot of pressure for anyone. Instead, think about finding “the one right now.” This mindset allows you to focus on what’s important in the present moment and build a relationship based on mutual growth and understanding.
If you approach a date with the mindset that your future happiness depends on its success, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Not only will you be less likely to enjoy the date, but the negative energy can also be sensed by your date, potentially ruining the experience for both of you. Instead, try these tips to make the most of your dating experiences:
- Stay positive: Focus on the enjoyable aspects of the date, such as the opportunity to try a new restaurant, see a movie, or engage in stimulating conversation.
- Be curious: Show genuine interest in your date and ask open-ended questions to learn more about them. This can lead to engaging conversations and help you connect on a deeper level.
- Embrace spontaneity: Be open to new experiences and activities that your date suggests. This can make the date more enjoyable and memorable.
- Don’t take things too seriously: Remember that not every date will lead to a relationship, and that’s okay. Have a sense of humour about the ups and downs of dating and learn from each experience. Worse come to worst, you’ll get a good story to tell your friends – or your next date!
Enjoying the process is a crucial part of finding a boyfriend. By focusing on the present moment, maintaining a positive attitude, and being open to new experiences, you’ll create an enjoyable dating journey. By embracing this mindset, you’re more likely to find a compatible partner who shares your values and outlook on life.
4. Evaluate and repeat
The fourth step in finding a gay boyfriend is to evaluate and repeat. This involves regularly taking time to regroup and assess what’s working well and what needs improvement in the first three steps. By reflecting on your experiences, you can make necessary adjustments and fine-tune your approach until you find what works for you.
I often suggest that my clients reflect on their dating experiences and use them to shape their future goals. When I was going on dates and didn’t hit it off with someone, I would ask myself what it was that I didn’t like about the interaction, flip it, and add the desired quality to a list of things I was looking for in a partner.
For example, I once went out with a guy who was kind of evil and didn’t give a crap about other people, so I add to my list “a guy with a kind heart”. The following series of dates was with a guy who didn’t have time for me. So I added to the list “a guy that makes time for me”. And so on.
This process helped me feel centred, grounded, and refocused my dating efforts on myself, rather than placing all the importance on my dates.
This step is also an opportunity to notice things and ask yourself some uncomfortable questions. If you consistently find yourself attracted to individuals who love-bomb and ghost you, it’s important to ask yourself what draws you to these people in the first place. Identifying and addressing these patterns can be painful, but it’s a crucial part of personal growth and breaking free from unproductive cycles.
Once you’ve evaluated your experiences, it’s time to repeat the process. Put yourself back out there, keeping in mind the lessons you’ve learned, and continue enjoying the dating journey.
It’s important to remember that dating can sometimes feel like a job, and it’s normal to get tired or discouraged (and swear off guys forever and ever). When you’re feeling overwhelmed or disheartened (and doomed to die alone), it’s perfectly okay to take a break and focus on yourself. Use this time to recharge and engage in self-care, then return to dating when you’re feeling hopeful and ready to try again.
Still thinking “Why can’t I find a boyfriend?” (Gay edition)
In conclusion, the key to finding a boyfriend is to follow these four steps: know who you are and what you want, put yourself out there, enjoy the process, and evaluate and repeat. By consistently reflecting on your experiences, adjusting your approach, and staying open to new possibilities, you’re more likely to find a fulfilling and lasting relationship. Remember to be patient with yourself, take breaks when necessary, and above all, trust the process.
One last thing: you are worth it. And I guarantee you will find someone eventually. Just focus on finding yourself first – in the words of Wayne Dyer, you cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.
Why can’t I find a gay boyfriend?